This blog post was only written with the intention of helping people leave a situation that isn’t healthy for them. There is so much controversy going around about being in a toxic relationship and whether or not someone should stay to “save” their significant other. As someone who has been in a toxic relationship my opinion is firm that you should NEVER put your own well-being at risk to “save” someone else. And yes, leaving yourself in any unhealthy situation is putting your well-being at risk.
No matter how strong you are, it will end up changing you.
It’s a sad truth that loving someone who is not good for you can end up changing you, and not in a positive way. From how you feel when you wake up in the mornings, to how you treat your friends and the people around you, to the boundaries you set for how you want the people around you treat you. No matter how “strong” you think you are being around a toxic person drains not just the way you feel, but your core beliefs and values. It will start subtle and won’t be completely noticeable at first, it can start with not being around for your friends when they need you during times you normally would because if you’re not with your significant other at a certain moment they “don’t believe you really love them”. It can also be something like him and his friends cracking mean jokes (and I’m not talking about playful) and you shrugging it off like it’s no big deal. After enough time this turns to actual mistreatment of your friends and family and to allowing yourself to be torn down by people who you have spent all your time trying to impress and prove yourself to. It is also well known that you are who you keep closest to you and if you keep company with toxic people, you will become toxic too. This is often how toxic can turn into mutually abusive. You start to get tired of being put down but instead of walking away you start putting down the person you are with too. It’s a constant competition of who can hurt who more and I don’t think it needs to even be explained in detail why you don’t want this and why you don’t want to stick around long enough for it to become this.
No matter how much you want to convince yourself, it is NOT love.
If you’ve stopped to read this article I think it’s safe to assume that you already may be thinking you’re in a toxic relationship and I’m sure just like I once did you justify staying by telling yourself repeatedly “This person is the love of my life. He/she loves me and no one else will ever love me as much as they do” This is exactly what a toxic person wants you to believe but I want you to take a second and think about the “perfect man/woman” you used to dream about when you were little. When you used to imagine Mr./Mrs. Perfect did you ever imagine them cheating on you? Did you ever imagine them letting their friends say terrible things about you? Did you ever imagine them stealing from you? Did you ever imagine them putting you in a situation where you had to choose between them and your family? Did you ever picture them making fun of your body? How about laying their hands on you? My guess is no, you did not. And you want to know why? Because these things are NOT love. And someone who truly loves you would never do these things to you. Life isn’t perfect, and people definitely are not perfect either but if a man/woman really loves you they would never do these things to you. And while you may be trying to convince yourself that “it’s just a hard time and they really do love you” you already know the truth. This is not love and you deserve better. Which brings me to my next bullet.
You cannot have anything truly great if you keep holding on to the things that drag you down.
Imagine a life with someone who encouraged you, gave you more confidence, made you feel safe and supported. Imagine a life with someone who never said bad things about you. Imagine what it would feel like to be with someone who wanted to be with only you and didn’t make up excuses for cheating on you. Imagine being with someone who made a positive impact in your life and didn’t blame you for all the things going wrong in theirs. Don’t you want to be with someone who makes you feel like you’re important? Well the absolute blunt truth is that if you stay in a toxic relationship you will NEVER have this. If you stay with a toxic person, they will NOT change. Why would they? They get to be however they want knowing you will stay, so why would they ever care to treat you better? It’s a hard pill to swallow but no matter how much you think you love them or you think they love you they will not change for you. You are better off leaving and letting go so you can give yourself the chance to find someone who is extraordinary. So that you can give yourself the chance to find someone who truly does love you.
YOU CAN NOT SAVE THEM!
There is this thought process going around that you should stay in a toxic relationship to “save” the other person, well I’m going to tell you right now that this thought process is bull. No one can save them but themselves. If they don’t want to change its not up to you to stay until they decide they’re finally ready to be better. You have no obligation to put your happiness on hold for someone else or to put someone else’s well-being in front of your own. Its normal to want better for the people you love but when you want more for them than they want for themselves it becomes unhealthy for you. If they don’t want to be better there is nothing you can say or do that is going to make them want it. I could go on for days but the bottom line is you can’t save the ones you love.
You deserve to be happy
And you can have the rest of your life to do so. Doesn’t matter if you’re 16, 28, 45, or 80, you deserve to live the rest of your life happy. And you can’t be happy if you continue to hold on to people who make you feel bad about yourself. You don’t deserve someone who constantly makes you feel like you’re not good enough or who makes you feel like you need to compare yourself to every other man/woman around you. You deserve to wake up and feel good about yourself and to feel excited about what new and great things the day has to bring. You don’t deserve to spend your day walking on eggshells wondering what it’s going to be that sets off the person that you’re with. You deserve to life your life freely and to live it being loved fully by the people around you. You don’t deserve someone who constantly makes you feel like you’re not enough even though you try your hardest to give them everything. Plain and simple you deserve happiness and if you stay in a toxic relationship you’re throwing away pretty much any chance you have a being happy.
A good amount of us have been there. And we all had to fight really hard to get out of a bad situation. Personally, for me it took moving to the other side of the country for college and getting the chance to see almost from an outside perspective what life I had been choosing to live every day. All the empty promises I calculated in my head, all the times I forgave cheating because I was constantly told that it was my fault it happened in the first place, all the names I had been called by him and his friends, the list goes on. And I to this day look in the mirror and have a hard time convincing myself that all the things that were said about me aren’t true and that all the things that were done to me aren’t true. However, even though I have so many broken pieces that, after all the years, I still have trouble putting back together I have a man by my side who loves me and doesn’t see those broken pieces. He loves me fully, heart and soul for everything I am and everything I’m not. Every day he tells me how wonderful he thinks I am and tells me he appreciates me and lets me know how lucky he feels to have me in his life. Being with him is easy and sometimes it feels like he literally breathes life into me. Especially at my weakest moments. I feel loved and I feel safe. And this is what everyone deserves. This is why you should leave your toxic relationship and never look back. Because what is ahead of you is so much more wonderful than anything you could possibly imagine.